I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
