It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
