Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
