I hate all girls vehemently.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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