dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
