Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
