Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
