next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize