I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
