We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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