the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
