I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
