I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize