you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
