I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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