I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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