my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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