Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
