dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
