anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Your penis caused this!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
