He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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