Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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