she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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