I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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