I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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