What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
and she was petting her beer can
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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