You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
