I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
third nipple confirmed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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