so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
