we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize