Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
