shes about as inviting as chlamydia
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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