Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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