I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have peed in a lot of sinks
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
