i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
