I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
