My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
