i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Still dying that you shit outside
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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