A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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