that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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