Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize