i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
