there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
