Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
