somebody snuck up and got me drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
