I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
