im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
