I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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