A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
