My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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