I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize