so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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