You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize