You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize