the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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