Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
